Mr. Mom Week: Part 1 - Underachieving & Overpraised! How "Average" Became the New "Excellent"

So I’m doing the Mr. Mom thing for the next four or five days, depending how my wife, her sister, and their mother can interact and tolerate each others’ company and emotional wellbeing while trapped in a Volvo together. I thought I’d post some deep, relevant thoughts and reflections upon completion of each day, but since I spent the entire day with two children under the age of five, I’m completely rundown and have no thoughts left, let alone deep thoughts. Just kidding, actually as I navigated through the gamut of parental tasks and responsibilities, a million moments of intersecting thoughts and reflections overwhelmed my mind (I actually had someone who attends my Sunday school class this past Sunday declare that I made his head hurt – the entire context of his statement led me to believe it was a partial compliment, at least that’s how it took it).

In the days leading up to my wife venturing off with her mother and sister to visit some of her father’s childhood friends in Mississippi, I got received a ridiculous amount of admiration from many friends. There was also a fair amount of prayers and well wishes, as though I just informed my friends that I was attempting to fast for one whole year. It was as if I just told my friends I was going to accomplish the impossible; a father taking care of his two young children all by himself.

At first, I welcomed the admiration and was put off by the prayers of intercession and miracles on my behalf. Was I really giving off signals that I would be attempting Hara Kiri at the conclusion of these 5 days? Were people expecting me to fail? Was I anticipating failure? Did people really think 5 straight days with my kids was in the same category of waterboarding terrorists? Do they hate their own children that much? In the end, however, both responses elicited a measure of disdain from me. Everybody meant well and there was no malice or judgment in how people responded to the circumstances. However, many of these people unknowingly tapped into some thoughts that had been stored in the back of my mind for quite some time.

First off, parenting is not easy. It’s not easy for mothers. It’s not easy for fathers. It is especially not easy for single parents or working parents. My mother just happened to fall into both categories. Structure, activities, engagements, and routine may aid and assist both mothers and fathers in the day-to-day planning and execution of their lives and the lives of their children, but the fact remains that parenting is not easy. It was never intended to be easy. You’re essentially attempting to mold an angel out of a demon.

Second, I’ll admit upfront that I can be extremely critical of parents, especially stay-at-home mothers. I’m not particular proud of it (O.K., I’m altogether not proud of it). I’m having to unlearn my expectations that were fostered and imprinted into my parental DNA. I was raised by a single, working mother who labored in two to three jobs at the same time to provide food and shelter to the three of her four children she was raising. I’ve said parenting isn’t easy. But for some, parental responsibilities and duties raise obstacles and challenges that are not even remotely related to the children. My mother was superhuman. I shouldn’t expect that from myself. I especially shouldn’t expect it (or demand it) from the mother of my children.

Third, I love my children. I think they are the coolest people in the world. They are the only people on the face of the earth that in the span of a few seconds can both jaw-droppingly (is that a word?) amaze me by their intelligence and developmental progress and also make me want to educate myself on the traditional Catholic practice of exorcisms. I love being with them. About three years ago I spent roughly three months doing the Mr. Mom thing full-time (albeit with only one child, and I guess it was part-time, since it was really only in the mornings). However, I can say with all honesty that I have never felt happier or more fulfilled in life than I did during those three months.

Having said that, I’ve observed a movement, or change in thinking, that I believe is infecting our culture and society, and the arena of parenting is not immune to its influence. In fact, I believe the institution of family is the very place where this type of thinking is most detrimental. I’ve always processed or articulated this issue in the form of a question; “When did mediocre become universally acceptable?”

Working in an academic institution, I observe this mentality primarily in the field of scholarship and grades. Students do all the work required, and therefore expect an above average or excellent grade. Once again, my objection takes the form of a question: “When did fulfilling your basic responsibilities and obligations become praiseworthy?” You do what is expected of you, and you should receive a mark of satisfactory. Any mark greater than satisfactory (or average) should demand more. Is my logic flawed?

Have we as a society (or even as the Church) strayed so far away that fulfilling one’s basic duty is so praiseworthy? I thought one’s duty or responsibilities was their obligation and therefore required no such accolades. Several weeks ago, a guest preacher at our church spoke on stewardship, and he mentioned that giving wasn’t credited to a Jew until after they satisfied their basic 10% obligation. In other words, satisfying your basic obligations was not deemed giving to the Lord. It was deemed “required” by the Lord.

Is a father tending to their children praiseworthy? Not to sound like an old, cantankerous fuddy-duddy, but isn’t that what parents are suppose to do? Isn’t that their basic and fundamental responsibility? We as a society could be labeled as underachieving and overpraised. To be continued at a later date. Mr. Mom signing off.